Jane Attwater Blatch Diary: Death of Annajane Blatch 

Introduction

As Jane Attwater Blatch watched over her teenage daughter Annajane (1793-1809) during her final battle with consumption between April and July of 1809, she kept a separate journal of her experience which replaced her diary for that period. For whatever reason, the journal, consisting of 29 closely-written pages carefully stitched together, was separated from the main portion of Attwater’s diary residing at the Angus Library, whether by her descendants or by Marjorie Reeves is uncertain. The journal now resides in the Reeves Collection at the Bodleian Library. I found the journal in the spring of 2008, when I was at Oxford for several months working on the Steele Collection and discovered the six boxes that Reeves had left the Bodleian in the library's main storage room. Reeves had placed the journal into an envelope and when I realized what it was, I decided to transcribe Jane Attwater Blatch's account of the final months of her daughter's life from beginning to end over a period of two weeks, without reading ahead. It was indeed a memorable experience.  [For more on my Bodleian discovery of the missing Reeves Collection, click here.]

Deathbed accounts were common throughout the 18th and 19th centuries among evangelicals who believed strongly in the efficacy of observing and recording the deaths of those "who die in the Lord."  Being present and recording the passing (ideally a calm and resigned passing) of the saint bolstered the faith of those remaining and an assurance of the faith of the departed.  Most accounts were written after the fact by someone present or by a writer who was privy to the accounts of those who were present. In these instances, the deathbed accounts often elevated the departed into near-angelic status, whether male or female. Robert Robinson recorded his observations of Anne Dutton during a visit to her shortly before her death:

. . . You have (no doubt) heard of Dear Mrs Dutton’s departure. – I saw her a few weeks before she died. . . . O how ravishingly she talked.  She was up, and sat by the fire.  Her countenance – I won’t say serene and composed, but blithe gay, full of a Serenity, or rather full of Immortality – My mind was full of that Scripture which I thought I then saw exemplified in Mrs. Dutton.  Psal. 92.12 etc.  The righteous shall flourish like the palm-tree, which it seems grows fastest under burdens.  So did Mrs. Dutton under sickness. – He shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.  So did she overtopping all the company, for many were present, ministers and people, but none of us arrived at her height – O how stately looks such a Christian. . . . I had heard, that precious in the sight of the Lord was the Death of his saints, and now I saw he was true to his word, for he was present by his Spirit in the sickness and death of Mrs. Dutton. . . . The Lord give us grace to follow her who . . . had indeed an abundant entrance, for as she had neither sickness, nor pain of body, so neither had she a Doubt or cloud on her mind.  Methinks I can’t help praying, Let my dear friend, and me, die the death of Mrs. Dutton, let our last end be like hers. – To that end let us try to copy her holy exemplary life, ever redeeming the time. 

[Robert Robinson, Hauxton to John Robinson, Eriswell, 30 November 1766, Crabb Robinson Correspondence,  Dr. Williams's Library, London; published in Timothy Whelan, "Six Letters of Robert Robinson from Dr. Williams's Library," Baptist Quarterly 39 (2002), pp. 347-59.]

The deaths of children were often recorded in a similar fashion. What makes Jane Attwater Blatch's account of the death of her daughter different from most accounts is its immediacy, which lends an aura of authenticity to her account that previously digested and edited material for publication cannot duplicate.  In this instance, the writer has no time to construct a hagiographic narrative of the departed saint or indulge in self-fashioning in her narrative. Instead, her account is a near-spontaneously written narrative recorded only minutes or a few hours after the fact. Thus, any references to hymns are made spontaneously by Annajane, with quotations erupting from her memory and recorded as such by her mother a short time later. 

In Blatch’s journal for those few short months are 66 references to hymns by 18 writers (7 hymns are anonymous), with Isaac Watts and Anne Steele garnering the top positions, followed closely by Charles Wesley, Philip Doddridge, and John Newton, a fairly predictable outcome for a West Country Baptist family well-connected with the Steele Circle. 

•Isaac Watts (19 references to 13 hymns) [1]

•Anne Steele (10 references to 6 hymns) [2]

Other references:

•Charles Wesley (5) •Philip Doddridge (4)

•John Newton (3) •John Ryland, Jr (2)

•John Fawcett (2) •Augustus Toplady (2)

Single references also occur to hymns by William Cowper, Joseph Hart, Samuel Medley, John Cennick, John Mason, Samuel Davies, Joseph Grigg, Benjamin Francis, Benjamin Bedddome, and Samuel Stennett, along with seven anonymous hymns.

Both Watts and Steele are mentioned specifically by young Annajane during her final illness. These references reinforce the ubiquitous presence of hymns in young Annajane’s life and her cumulative experience not as a composer of hymns but rather a consumer of hymns. Her reading and singing of hymns from her earliest days left an indelible impression not only on her religious feelings but her memory as well, so much so that she could recite verses of hymns just as easily as verses from the Bible (see entries for 17 and 21 June, 4, 9, 12, 17, 24-25, and 27 July). Her use of hymns becomes even more intense in her closing days, so much so that hours before her death she valiantly struggles not merely to read, recite, or sing a hymn but to act it out! (see entry for 28 July). As Annajane lay lifeless in her bed, her mother recorded her final moments in her journal, the presence of hymns still lingering in the room, now no longer a literary composition to be heard, sung, or recited but a poetic language woven seamlessly into the fabric of her near-spontaneous tribute to her daughter: 

[She] was perfectly collected & in ye full use of all her rational Faculties to the last Breath. During some of the time of her speaking to us she fetchd her breath quite hard & with difficulty moaning in dying groans & said I cant die but for a considerable time before she breathed very soft & sweet & with her usual gestures wn she lay down comfortably to sleep composed herself to rest & with looking at me with a placid smile even in death closed her Eyes  upon all earthly objects / to sleep in Jesus & be blest / – how soft her slumbers were / from sufferings & from sin  released / & freed from every snare without a sigh / her gentle spirit quitted its Clay  / & she breathed softer & softer / till she ceased to breathe / & that solemn last last silence.  [emphasis and breaks  added by the editor]

Unlike Anne Steele, who composed formal hymns for the use of herself and others within their coterie of friends and family and the general public, in this instance Jane Attwater Blatch composed in the most extreme of informal settings a spontaneously written journal that manages to capture both the cadences and phrasings indicative of the eighteenth-century hymn that she, her daughter, and all her West Country hymn-writing predecessors instinctively read, recited, and sang from childhood to death.

The poet Maria Grace Saffery wrote to her sister, Anne Whitaker, on 4 August 1809, a week after Annajane's death, offering her condolences to all those in Bratton who were related to or intimate with the Blatches:

While I reflect on the nature of your engagements this day and see you making part of the melancholy circle in the house of mourning, I seem to feel the mingled emotion wh has I know already prompted you to weep & to rejoice.  I seem to hear the expression of your sympathy prepared also to listen to the consolation you urge on those, who awaken all the poignancy of your distress – we are thankful that dear Mr & Mrs B– [Blatch] are indulged with such a state of feeling amid the severity of their affliction.  O that while they trust the dear deceased “has received beauty for ashes,” they may be helped to take the “Garment of pain for the Spirit of heaviness” – but I forbear  –

Another poet, Mary Steele, Jane Attwater Blatch's closest friend throughout her life, penned a loving tribute to Annajane not long after her death:

Epitaph on Miss Blatch, 1810

Sweet Excellence! thy opening virtues shone

Fair as the loveliest morning of the Spring,

Though to a busy thoughtless world unknown

And in the Shelter of a Parent’s Wing.

Thy useful life, thy dying smiles attest,                                                   

The sacred Spring from whence those Virtues sprung,

And this last Record bears at thy request

This awful admonition to the Young –

Amos  Prepare to meet thy God

Corinth   For we must all appear before the Judgment Seat of Christ &c

For the above letter and poem, see Timothy Whelan, ed., Nonconformist Women Writers, 1720-1840, vol. 6, p. 285, and vol. 3, pp. 164-65.

The Final Illness of Annajane Theodosia Blatch 

April through July 1809

    Wn violently reaching –  “Ah what is this to what I deserve? I endeavor to think how much worse I might be, how much worse I deserve to be. Speaking to Mary of Death she said Mary do you think ever seriously of Death? tho you are young you may die & it is an awful thing to die & appear before God if we are not prepared, – told her of two hymns she should like to be sung at her funeral & made her ready unto her wn Blooming Youth &c

    At another time wn her Breath was very short she said wn she was in bed Mary I can’t talk to you now get ye Selection & read ye 305th hymn it begins “Jesus lover of my soul” very numerous are ye Hymns she repeats & refers to as appropriate to her present situations.  She observed to her young attendant how desireable it was to lay up a stock in health for a time of Affliction desired her to read her Bible constantly & commit to memory much of it as it would be peculiarly useful at all times but should Affliction seize her & render her incapable of reading, she would then have a mental resource wch might afford her great comfort, set her the 8th Chapr of Roms to learn wch she afterwards made her repeat to her with much deliberation & accuracy exhorting her to attend with reverance & solemnity, whenever she repeated ye scriptures endeavor to think of it.  Importance enter into its meaning & lay ye emphasis on proper words &c not say it like a parrot. Once during her illness it was supposed Mary had told an untruth tho she was very weak she would take pains to investigate ye matter & spoke in such a proper solemn manner of ye evil of lying that made ye maid weep under deep conviction of ye evil of that practice in ye sight of God – she then exhorted her to ask pardon first of God then of her mistress wch with contrition she did.

   The dear childs hatred to this sin was manifested from very early childhood. I know not the time when she did not show a love of truth & hatred to deception and falsehood – she said she always hated lying as she viewed it in a shameful light as well as wicked she had a peculiar dread of speaking anything untrue as she thought she should be always in fear of its being found out & then what a disgrace it would be to her &c. After hearing a sermon of Mr Jays read wch she heard (as she did many others wch were read to her during her long Confinement) with great attention self examination & feeling she said there papa & mama this sermon seems peculiarly suitable to us all repeating some sentences – you see we must not chuse for ourselves God knows what is best for us Infinite wisdom cannot err all that God does is right &c if I am to be taken from you it will be right all will be well what you know not now you shall know hereafter &c. Speaking of her Death with ye greatest calmness said you must be reconciled to all that God does all his ways are right – if I should be spared to a future Life ’till a proper time you wd be willing for me in due time to form a suitable connection & give me up to part from you perhaps to a distant place to one whom you may approve wd you not, on being answered in ye affirmative why then you should be willing to give me up to God otherwise It is loving the Creature more than ye Creator & placing more confidence in man than God – Remember all that God does is right.

    Her disorder still going on we had recourse to Godbee’s vegetable Balsam who knows she said but it may please God to bless ye Clay of ye spittle at last he can restore & if it is his will this may be ye means of my recovery. One day she felt very unwell & said papa & mama It is never ye rea[son] to flatter you nor my self but I rather think I shall never get well I have no doubt of ye power of God to restore but I am ready to believe it is not his will I should recover then sound out a Hymn of Theodosias wch she desired her papa to read aloud as a favorite Hymn of hers intitled Victory over Death through Christ.

   She always wn speaking of her Illness spoke of the right God had to afflict & express her sense of his Goodness in causing her Affliction to be no heavier as might be & would be if she was dealt with according to her deserts – Speaking one time of ye goodness of God & the duty of acknowledging it she said “It is a wonder God don’t strike us Dumb wn we don’t acknowledge his Goodness” seeing how intirely dependent we are on Almighty power & can do nothing of ourselves. Speaking of Dress she said I have been frequently astonished that professors of religion especially sensible good folks that they should conform so much to the world in following every new foolish fashion & appear ye foremost to introduce ridiculous novelty into the Congregation where they attended indeed it have been quite staggering to me to see it how do they explain those scriptures wch expressly forbid it – or do they think themselves above following scripture rules – If my vanity of mind was to prompt me to have many gewgaws wch they wear I wd if I was a religious professor make a point of never wearing Broaches rings or Ornaments in a place of worship as by thus doing they tempt others to sin as well as themselves by attracting their notice & taking off their attention from those Infinitely higher duties in wch they ought to be employd in a place of divine worship – if the vanity of ye mind must be indulged in these toys & bables let them confine it to their visiting circles &c not profane the sabbath or the sanctuary by such folly.

   Speaking of professors suffering their children to run about the streets of a Sabbath day said it was a grief to her during her Illness to hear any of ym playing on that sacred day if she ever got well she would talk to them herself as she was assured it must be a great sin in them who knew better & ought to be examples to others – she lamented poor Nanny, staying at home & spending ye sabbath in visiting O mama it is your duty to talk to her one would think she knew no more yn ye Boults nor had any more soul than the brute creation if ever I get well I will talk to her & endeavor to tell her of ye importance of keeping the Sabbath holy &c. Speaking to Molly of the privilege she injoyd in her masters prayers said to her Ah Mary tho’ you are young & in Health now you may be calld to die Polly Chapman was as young as you & she blessed God on her Death bed for her masters prayers I hope you will prize ym & esteem it a privilege to attend – allways get your work forward & be in readiness to attend wn you are calld & not be busied about trifles to ye neglect of important realities.—She would often be giving Mary lessons on proper behaviour & about doing things &c the reason she renderd for it was yt she wishd to do all she could to make a good servt of her before she went hence that it might be more comfortable for us – O that it would please God to restore me but I desire to have patience to wait his appointed time His Time is the best Time – All that God does is right.

   Satan have sometimes tempted me to think I have been a good child & therefore I may trust in what I have done but I know this is ye suggestion of Satan – I feel a propensity to lean to something in myself & look for justification from works I know this is not right my judgment tells me it is wrong where there is so much sin & imperfection there cannot be any thing done acceptable to God who is Infinitely pure & holy. I know Christ is ye only way of salvation but ye pride of my Nature wants to rely on something in self – I wish to discard all these thoughts & trust alone in Jesus Christ as he I am assured is ye only way to Salvation  O for great Faith & Love &c then wd she refer to some appropriate Hymns to express her sense of the doctrine of free grace & likewise her Experience of her need of it &c such as “No more my God I boast no more” &c &c “Could I but hear my Saviour say” &c – & “There is a fountain of Rich Blood” &c  her choice of Hymns & Chaps seem much beyond her Years.—I who have lived more yn half a Century in ye world seem young in knowledge & experience to my dear Child who has been so well Instructed by God in ye short period of 15 years – O what cannot grace Effect!  One day attentively viewing her emaciated hands & arms she exclaimed What a wonderful piece of machinery is ye human Frame! “Strange that a harp of Thousand Strings should keep in tune so long”! after a little pause said “Let others boast how strong they be nor Death nor danger fear but we’ll confess O Lord to Thee what feeble worms we are” – She then repeated after being deep in thought with a great solemnity on her Countenance  “And must this Body die? This Frame decay & must these active Limbs of mine lay mouldering in ye Clay. She repeated this verse with great Emotion then pausing awhile her countenance brightening she repeated ye 2nd verse with great animation conversed on ye resurrection with peculiar pleasure desiring me to read a chapr previous to her dear Fathers going to prayer & on my getting ye Bible she exclaimed with earnestness “precious Book of God! how strange it is that we don’t more highly prize & value it! what could we do without it!—

   A rash appeared on her legs & on seeing her feet swolen she then thought her desire of life wd not be granted & that her dissolution drawd near Ah she exclaimed my time then will be but short – what shall I do if I am not interested in Christ?—O for an Assurance of my Interest in ye only way of salvation I do look to Christ I do depend on him alone for salvation I know I have nothing of my own to depend on O for greater Faith  O to be enabled to commit all into ye hands of God then I know I should be more happy.

    God is Good! he have dealt mercifuly with me  He is righteous in all his ways – tho he should doom me to destruction He would be just for I deserve it – On hearing of a very wicked young man being ill & thought dying she said Ah if he thinks to be happy he must come to Christ & so must I as much as him for I have nothing to recommend me to God no more than him – one night being very restless “O my dear parents do something for me I fear I shall be impatient mama pray for me & pray that I may have patience God will grant me strength equal to my day he has hitherto don’t you think he will?  On being better ye next night wn she went to bed she exclaimd Blessed be God for his goodness to me I am so comfortable to night O how good God is to me I hope if it is his pleasure I shall be spared if not I hope I shall be prepared for a better world – I trust alone in Christ I look to the right source I shall not then be disappointed He is ye way the truth & ye Life but I am sometimes afraid mine is only Head knowledge but that could not have supported me thro an Illness like mine.—I think whoever reads ye second Chapr of Ephesians must be convinced that it is thro’ Christ alone that we can be saved.—

   It is not an easy trifling matter for a young person with pleasing promising prospects like mine to give up life with all its fond endearments – but what are ye joys of sense to the joys of Heaven?  The joys of Heaven Infinitely exceeds all that Earth can produce. On speaking of her Love to carry favors to her neighbors she said yes I used to delight very much in it & shall again if it please God to restore me & spare my life should I live to next October but checking herself with solemnity God only knows I may be in my Grave then – well I hope I shall be happy in Death or in Life & yt all will be well.

   Speaking of something wch she recd yt she had long wishd for well she says I am glad I have it I hope it will do me good but we must look to God for a blessing. On speaking of Gods faithfulness to his promises – yes she says God is faithful to his promises & faithful to his son – She pointed out yt Hymn to me as one she admired  “Stoop down my thoughts that used to rise” –  being very restless weak & tired one Eveg she said  O my trials are very great but it might be much worse – I have many mercies – I might be in great pain God is Good – Ah my dear mother no one knows what papa & you & I feel it is hard to nature If it pleases God O may I be restored & have grace given me to improve life & Health precious Health! Ah God can restore speak but ye healing word & I shall made whole – O mama I am greatly afflicted but God has said he will help support &c I have been in deep waters of affliction O may I be supported & delivered out of it or have patience & resignation given me pray for me –  “Jesus can make a dying bed feel soft” &c – that mama is a sweet Hymn yn repeated some of yt hymn Jesus Lover of my soul –  I hope I look to ye right source – but I am too bad to pray or almost to think do you think mama God will pardon my weakness & accept my desires & wishes without a volume of words as I used to do –

    I know not how it is but I have had a hope even at my worse times throughout my Illness that I should get well I know God is able to raise me up but I frequently doubt wither it is his will – being very ill spoke of her trying affliction of her suffering with shortness of breath vomiting & difficulty of expectoration. Oh my sufferings are great but what are they to ye sufferings of Christ whose flesh as pure without a spot his life without a sin – My cup is bitter but what is mine to his “How bitter yt cup no heart can conceive” &c repeated that verse  papa please to go to prayer & pray for resignation to whatever may be ye will of God concerning me – O mama I am afraid I am not resignd as I ought it is one thing to say what we ought to be & another to realy be what we ought to be God have supported me hitherto he will still I hope he will ne’er leave me. Strange that I should feel so bad & yet not in pain  I am indebted to God for all O my dear mama I must give it all up I feel my nature exhausted like an old person I have had them say I have done with things below I can labor no more – I have laboured all I can against my Illness but I can no longer – I feel increasing languor & weakness – God has a sovereign right to do what He pleases – O for perfect resignation to give up all into His Hands – he will do right He is good & gracious.

      In ye Eve she was very restless weak & bad – O mama I am a poor creature going to die I must die & leave you do you prepare for it – don’t you cry I don’t love to see you weep –  “Why should we mourn departing Friends, or shake at Deaths alarm? ’Tis but the voice that Jesus sends to call them to his arms Tis but ye voice that Jesus sends,” I have thought very much of those words lately then went on “The graves of all ye saints he blest” but I am afraid I am not a saint mama to whom that belongs &c &c   that Hymn of Dr Rylands I admire began repeating it thro’ “Sovereign Ruler of the Skies” – O mama I want to be all that I ought to be “emptied of self & sin & full of thee” that is what I want to be – speaking to her Father she said I feel myself hastening to death or to that purpose – pray for me I know you do pray for me as well as with me pray – pray for perfect resignation to ye will of God & that I may die a happy death.—I am not able to pray as I used to I hope God will hear & accept me if I say in the sincerity of my soul God be merciful to me a sinner O papa what should I do if it was not for ye saviour such a poor weak sinful creature as I am – It makes me tremble for those who do not believe in that Christ is God for its said cursed is he who trusteth in Man & if He was no more than man how could any be saved repeated a Hymn of Theodosias “Jesus the spring of joys divine” &c enlarging on some of the particular expressions there in a most pleasing manner.—Looking on her emaciated Hands she repeated that Hymn in a most pathetic manner –  “And must this Body die & must this Frame decay?” &c – Spoke of writing to her Uncles was she able as her last request that they wd lead more holy lives – think of Death & Eternity & pray to be sweetened for it said she thought of them with regret & sorrow – in a former part of her Illness lookd out a Hymn in Harts Hymns yt she thought suitable to her papa & his relations.

   Spoke very judiciously of Baptism of her determination if her life was spared of joining a Baptist church – spoke her sentiments very agreeably on decision of character said she thought all ought to make up their minds & be decided characters &c know their own minds not be blowed about with every wind &c O my sufferings are great – I am indeed tried – but it might be much worse – being spoke to how different she was from a person who used to make use of many fretful expressions Ah said she with tears “Why was I made to hear his voice & enter whilst there is room” but perhaps that is too much for me to say – speaking again of her sufferings wn she was very sick & vomiting my sufferings indeed are great but I hope God will support  I don’t think he will forsake me “he has supported me hitherto O support and comfort me” &c  desiring patience repeated yt Hymn in ye selection “patience tis a precious grace” said there was a verse she much admired in ye Selection wch tho short containd much in it “mercy good Lord mercy I ask this is ye total sum Mercy thro’ Christ is all my suit Lord let thy mercy come” &c repeated after she was laid down in her bed “Hosanna with a chearful sound” & earth has engrossed my Love too long pointed out that she was so weak yt sometimes she could not pray as she used too pointed out ye 40th Hymn in Harts as very expressive of her feelings & admired by her &c desired her papa not to shorten his prayer on her account because she was so weak saying papa I hear you are shorter in prayer wn you are upstairs with me yn when you are below I beg you not to do so I love to hear you pray & tho I am sometimes so bad I cant attend to it myself as I used to do I can hear I hope & unite with you with pleasure don’t you abridge yourself or me of that pleasing satisfaction – Speaking of her sense of unworthiness said I am a poor sinner but God is merciful thro’ Jesus Christ – if He speaks ye word I shall be healed – mama don’t you talk of 2nd causes you have done all you can then ennumerated what she had taken but nothing will be of any use without the blessing of God & with that the most simple remedy may be efficacious – or He can work without means all depends upon his divine aid – “weeping may endure for a night” is not that spoken comparatively mama? meaning ye night of Life compard to the morning or day of Eternity &c

[Sunday] May 21st – My dear Child read in Mickles Essays greatly admired two in particular that on sanctified affliction said she hoped she could experience much of it another on Silence under wrath – that was just agreeable to her own mind speaking of herself said Ah mama I have been a pharasee whatever I am now ye desire to look to Christ as I ought & trust in him alone for I am well assured I have nothing to trust to in myself – I have often found that Resolution I will go to Jesus & if I perish Ill perish at his feet – At Whitsuntide the Club as usual going their procession she said “Ah whatever we do whatever we be we are traveling to ye grave” – on hearing the musick at a distance she said I have been thinking mama that those who love musick & those who do not must be highly gratified with the musick in Heaven wch is Infinitely better than the finest concert on Earth –  “Where Jesus the Lord their Harps Employs Jesus my Love they sing Jesus the Life of both our joys Sounds sweet from every string.”

   If it please God to restore me & spare me I should esteem it an honour to wait on my dear parents & take care of ym as you did mama of your dear Mother not leave you to ye care of servts should my Life be spared I should like to go out alternately with you mama & then stay at home – chearfuly smiling I wd be steady mama & you know wd bring my hand in this was after she had been extremely ill languid & weak seeing me much dejected she put on this sprightliness to cheer our drooping spirits wch is what she frequently does after great debility as soon as her strength is again a little revived.—So tender is she of our feelings that she ever strives to make ye best of everything. In ye Eveg after she had been much fatigued with riding out she was gone to bed her father sent up ye maid to stay with her whilst I went down what she said does papa want mama to come down for to go to prayer go to prayer what below? & I up here no desire papa to come up & let me enjoy what I esteem such a privilege I love prayer I cant live without prayer – I am so bad oftentimes in ye Eveg mama that I cant pray myself but a few broaken sentences but God I hope will hear that “The humble sigh the Heart felt grown rises accepted at this Throne” that’s true is it not mama?—O I love to hear papa pray he speaks the desires of my Heart better than I can myself don’t you be disturbed if I should cough – nor don’t you shorten your prayer on my account &c &c her Love to social prayer  appears to increase as her strength for private prayer decreases being very bad said Ah my trials are very great – but I am  supported – as she was very weak & ill on getting into bed she fell down on ye Bed she with a smile of complacence said I am weak but thou mighty &c speaking of her being exempted from constant pain yes she said that is indeed a great mercy I desire to acknowledge it with great Gratitude wch she has frequently done but I would not have you think I don’t feel pain often tho I don’t make a great piece of work about it – Then bursting into tears yes I do feel pain in my Chest as tho’ my Heartstrings were breaking & often I think of that verse “While I draw this fleeting breath  wn my Eyestrings break in death wn I soar to worlds unknown see thee on thy judgt Throne  Rock of Ages cleft for me  Let me hide myself in Thee” – Seeing her very weak & lamenting it Ah said she I am very weak its true but this is not an abcess or violent pain – &c &c 

[Sunday] May 28th  speaking to Mary of remembering what she was told says what is ye [need] for you to go to meeting from Sabbath to Sabbath & enjoy many privileges if you don’t endeavor to perform yr duty in the 6 days of ye week a part of your duty is to be obedient to ye just commands of your master & mistress you may sit & hear sermons &c fm morng till night unless you Endeavor to reduce ym into practice they will be no use to you speaking of yt Hymn “Thine Earthly sabbaths Lord we love” how we used to sing it wn she was well wch she repeated thro’ said how much better will it be if we are prepared for the Eternal Sabbath above there we shall part no more &c she lookd out 2 of Mickles Essays for me to read aloud in ye Eveg cousin Philip [Whitaker] came down she beg’d the favor of Him to go to prayer with us as she said she had no opportunity of hearing in publick after He was gone she expressed her approbation of & gratitude for his praying with her repeated many sentences wch he made use of – amongst other remarks said he described Heaven but he did not describe Hell I am sometimes more afraid I shall go to ye latter than I have hope of going to ye former cousin did not know what a poor wicked creature I am I fear he as well as ye rest of you have too good an opinion of me. On being asked how she could be lost if she was a believer in Christ she answerd I often fear I don’t believe as I ought – speaking of being restored she said God can restore me I never doubt of his power – I wish to be still & wait his time – Be still  & know yt I am God have of late kept me from wishing to apply to any medical aid &c speaking to Mary against stubborness & pride said strange that such poor creatures as we are should think ourselves so wise & we have every thing to be humble for – O how detestable & despicable must such conduct be in the sight of God – in the eveg the dear sufferer was very bad indeed with extreem sickness violent coughing & reaching O mama said she I am indeed tried very much O that it would please God to restore me to Health – O that if it was his will I could enjoy precious Health; no body knows what I suffer but God knows & he can restore if it his pleasure – my Nature is tried tried indeed but God is good amidst it all yes tho greatly tried he sustains He supports me – O papa pray for me & with me pray for patience & resignation I want perfect resignation to ye will of God – perhaps mama this may be for ye trial of our Faith O that God would please to mitigate my sickness & grant me sleep God will not leave me nor lay more upon me than He will enable me to bear you dont think he will do you?—God has been kind hitherto & I trust he will. One day her papa brot in green pease saying he hoped she wd enjoy them soon as they wd soon be fit to pick – Ah papa said she I hope mama & you will enjoy them but as for me I hope if I don’t live ’till that time I shall be in a better place where I shall want none of these things” – I was wishing for wisdom to do something for her to prove effectual for ye removal of ye complaint – she answered my dear mama you have done all you could for me – God is wise & if you had the wisdom of an arch-angel & it was not the will of God I should recover all you could do wd be vain cease to think of 2nd causes or lament about ym we did for the best & it is a temptation of Satan for you to reflect on yourself there is no cause of it – It was ordaind by Infinite wisdom that I should be ill or likewise ye time of its continuance & ye End.—“I think Death is near & I hope Happiness is as near – At another time speaking if she was ever to recover I should scarcely know where to find myself It wd seem indeed a New Life as I have been almost buried for near this twelvemonth pass’d – O I hope I shd be very thankful I think I should but I don’t know myself perhaps I may not be so thankful as I ought my heart is so bad.—Speaking of wn she was quite young how much she used to admire that Hymn wch she used to sing & repeat beginning “Awake my soul in joyful Lays” don’t you remember mama my repeating or singing yt verse in particular soon “shall I pass this gloomy vale soon all my mortal powers shall fail O may my last expiring Breath thy lovingkindness sing in Death.”  I asked her if she thought seriously of those words then she said yes – she believed she thought then that she should die early – Speaking of her situation Ah she said “There seems to a worm at ye Root wch will in all probability soon destroy this frame – I wish to be prepared for Death – & made willing to die for it wd be very shocking to be taken away unwillingly – my dear papa & mama you will never reflect on yourselves for being attentive to me – papa you have been a good Father to me – mama you will never have reason to reflect on yourself die wn I will for you have done everything you could papa & you both” –  & what should I have done if I had not kind parents?”  

June – I have not been sick to day what mercy that is who knows what God may do? if I shd be restored again!  God sees & knows the desires of our Hearts & if it is his will He can restore others has been brot as low as me & yet spared – speaking of Mr Pearce finding a decline more painful yn he expected it to be she said she had not hitherto for tho there was much pain at times & great languor attended it yet it was not worse than she expected it to be – complaining of being very tender as she is obliged always to lie on one side I begd her to be very careful of those tender places not to rub off ye skin as she knew not how distressing it wd be to me for her to be sore – I fear said I you wd not be able to bear that – O said she mama I am as careful as I can but if I am so I cant help it & I hope I should have strength given me to bear that too –

[Thursday] June 8th  O it is very trying to look forward to such dreadful sickness my trials are indeed great  “True tis a straight & thorny road & mortal Spirits tire & faint” – but what is ye next lines “Ah were it not for that all must faint indeed but God the Strength of every Saint  O it is a wonder God dont afflict us for all our Evil tempers sins of various kinds & I deserve a thousand times worse if I was to have according to my deserts – being very sick & ill said have pity upon me O ye my Friend, for ye hand of ye Lord hath touched me – O Lord remember me according to thy Infinite mercy – Laying silent for some time she exclaimed that is a sweet verse I asked her to repeat  “The power of our God to those who fear his name is such as tender parents feel  He knows our feeble Frame” –  mercy O Lord I ask – begin again very ill she with great expression of countenance lookd on me & said this is Gods doing mama – & you think it right”  “yes its all right” you think no second causes could have alterd it  no  & if you reflect on yourself its only ye suggestions of Satan to make you unhappy Therefore my dear mother don’t you give way to such thoughts sometimes I hope will please God to restore me & if it shd & this Affliction is sanctified to us all we shall have reason to esteem it a great mercy. In ye morng she was talking of Death & how it was put off by mortals from one time to another the Young they are willing to be excused they look forward to future prospects of Fame or Felicity  The middle aged that has families wd ask to be excused a little longer to see their children bred up – then  to see ym settled in life &c &c then death is denied admittance in ye different stages of Life wch reminds me of a Hymn of Dr Rippons repeated yt verse  “Why inconvenient now to die vile unbelief O tell me why when can it inconvenient be my loving Lord to come to thee.”

   I don’t say affliction is most agreeable to human Nature no if it was ye will of God I shd certainly be very glad to be well & thankful I hope but we are like children mama we are apt to desire & wish for those things wch may prove very hurtful to us if we possessd them then it is right & kind in ye parent to deny them – perhaps if I had Health I might have grown thoughtless &c so that in ye Effects it produced it might not have been so great a blessing as affliction may God sanctify this affliction to all of us & then if it his pleasure remove it or if not give me resignation to & prepare me for his whole will concerning me.  To Mary she said wn very languid & bad “Mary O prize Health precious Health don’t be careless & imprudent what woud I give to enjoy Health it is indeed a precious Blessing.” – being very ill she was speaking of her Dissolution looked upon me with ye most expressive countenance said “O my dear mama!” her Heart seemd too full for utterance – after some time she said I dont think you will be long after me why my dear do you think so said I I do think you will not. On my expressing pleasure at ye thought she burst into tears & said what will my dear papa do then? O said I my dear child papa could do better without you & I than we could do without Him – her papa then enterd her Room she then turnd ye conversation into quite another strain yes papa could marry & have another Family & put his spectacles on to nurse ym thus frequently wn she have seen me deeply affected she wd endeavor to introduce something to enliven the scene so tenderly does she love us that she cant bear to see us grieve & so great is her natural vivacity that in Intervals of ease she must be lively speaking of Christ.  O said she what Love there is manifested in ye blessed Saviour He seems all love his commandment is Love one another – speaking of what a great change it must be wn the spirit quits the Body – “O mama what a wonderful transition! but I suppose the faculties & power of ye soul must be.”

[Sunday] June 11th  My dear Child was very bad in ye Eveg her Breath extremely difficult that she could scarcely speak a sentence together she addressed me by saying Mama I have something to tell you of if you will promise not to weep I will tell you as it has been much on my mind but ye fear of affecting you keeps me from it. On my begging her to be perfectly free & tell me every thing she wishd to say without regarding my feelings she proceeded by saying I shd wish Mr Page[xxxv] to pch a funeral sermon for me wn I die from those words awake thou that sleepest arise from ye dead & Christ shall give thee Light The Hymns I choose is before prayer “When Blooming Youth is snatched away” Theodosia  the Hymn before sermon 116 of ye Selection Sinners ye voice of God regard  the Hymn after sermon Thou God of Glorious Majesty. I think these may be useful to alarm & funeral sermons &c were never designd for ye dead but ye living. I want no encomiums passd on me I am unworthy of any what I wish is ye good of my fellow creatures!—Speaking of her Illness to ye maid she said I believe this sickness is unto Death[xxxix] – She exhorted her to strict performance of her duty telling her she wishd not to think of such things at such an awful period but she said it wd make her last moments more easy to see her so conduct herself as to add to ye comfort of her dear parent – Exhorted her to a strict regard to truth by saying “I have always strictly adhered to truth & I hope I shall to the last moment of my Existence” –  Monday morg she askd leave of her papa to let her find out a chapr to be read she then mentiond ye seventeenth of John on asking her how she did she said “Cast down but not in dispair” – In the eveg she was very bad on being askd if she chose for her papa to go to prayer in her room she said “No mama I believe I must deny myself of that priviledge tonight I feel so very unwell & so inclinable to be sick that I could not engage as I ought myself & should disturb others yt can but my dear papa you’ll pray for me tho’ you don’t with me & pray for resignation to Gods Blessed will be it what it may – offering to leave something for her to read to amuse her in our absence if she was able to attend to it – no she sternly replied do you think I prefer that to prayer?—If I could attend to anything I hope I could attend to prayer speaking of her long Affliction & that if it was ye will of God to restore her how rejoiced she would be to be well but it is all as please God “just & righteous is he in all his ways”  Desired a chaptr in John  to be read –  Many pleasing things she said this day more than I can remember saw her cousin Alfred & seemd quite rejoiced to see him conversed on different subjects very chearfully about his school & ye customs &c – she on seeing him shook hands & recd him in a very hearty affecte manner telling him she had not forgot ye kind reception he gave her once wn she came home from school – said wn he went to school at Christmas, she lookd at him & thought she should never see Him any more this she said last Monday but now says she if he comes Home this week I hope I shall see him again anticipated his arrival with affecte pleasure.

Saturday morng [17 June]– The dear child lookd at ye 38th Psalm to be read previous to her papas going to prayer She seemd revived & not so sleepy Evidenced her affectionate concern for her dear Father & myself in many little Instances as she often does respecting our Health.  Oh how doubly endeared is our dear child by this long Affliction – as in Health so in Illness ever anxious to promote our Health & comfort.—This afternoon she seemd very low looking upon me with tears & bitter anguish exclaim’d  “O that all my suffering may be in this Life.” I conversed with her referring her to promises of God. She afterwards whilst I was absent in doing things for her read in her Testament I askd her wn I returnd & saw her look more chearful & composd. I hope you have met with some thing satisfactory she calmly replied God is faithful to his promise Yes here are great & exceeding precious promises best of Books! precious Book!—at another time “O for Faith in ye Redeemer I hope I have a little Faith but I want to have it increased Mama please to get me Theodosias Books then lookd out 2 hymns for me to read wch I did intitled Trusting in ye divine Veracity “wn sin & sorrows fears & pain &c  Time flying & Death approaching”  “Awake my soul nor slumbering lie”  O Mama how I admire Theodosias Hymns I think there are no better Hymns such piety & good poetry wch I like so well.

    “I hope Jesus will have compassion on me & give me that Faith wch is necessary to Salvation” enquired particularly of ye manner of justification by Christ repeated ye text “cursed is every one that continueth not in all points of ye law to day” – I endeavord to explain the doctrine of ye Imputed Righteousness of Christ in ye best manner I could.  She is now under a sense of her own Ignorance &c longing for Assurance of her Interest in ye love of God thro’ Christ.  She askd me if I thought Christ died for all saying yt is ye opinion of some but I don’t think so mama – I seem to have an Idea of these things in my head but I cant express it – I told her I wishd her to talk freely of those things wch did not appear clear to her & ask any question wch arose in her mind of those who could set things in ye clearest light before her. I regretted she could not be more free with those Friends yt were superior to myself. O said she if I cant go to Heaven without talking to people I cant tell how to do that –  Speaking of her apprehension of having ye dropsy she paused & repeated these 2 lines – well “It is mine to obey & His to provide” –  wn at supper having Lettuce of wch she was fond speaking of ye goodness of God in providing such < > vegetables so suitable & agreeable in ye heat of June yes said she “How good God is to his sinful Creatures I want to be more sensible of & more sorry for my sins & to be more grateful for my mercies – She went out but was very much fatigued with her ride – Her physician calld on us to enquire for the dear patient on our acquainting him how she was he could give us no hope of her recovery. O my God prepare us all for what thou hast prepard for us Enable me ever to perform my duty – submit to thy will & keep me O keep me from ever doing any thing or omitting anything that shall cause self reflection should I be calld to survive the dearest earthly object of my affection – nothing but thy grace O God can support my agonized sinking Heart O grant us all strength equal to our day.

[Wednesday] June 21st  was conversing on my dear childs Illness I expressd a wish to apply to another Physician – they are all of opinion medicine will do me no good that I am in a consumption or it is past their skill to cure – let us continue to look to God he is the best physician the only physician of value & if it is His will I shd recover I shall & if not all they can do for me is of no use – 

   Speaking of her never being apt to have any Erruptions so yt I was in hope she had not anything of ye kind in her Constitution – Ah mama with a smile she said I was more corrupt than you thought me to be the dear child seemd very lively to day rode out & continued better afterward not so much fatigued as ye day before after her ride sat up to supper & bore ye heat much better than yesterday –  “O Happy World” speaking of Heaven “O that ye Lord may not exercise me with more than he will enable me to bear” “He is ye fountain of Goodness in Him centers every Good” repeated verse out of Dr Watts  O could we make thou doubts remove & could we but climb where Moses stood &c  – some lines out of Theodosias But Oh wn gloomy doubts prevail I fear to call &c  after her supper wch she eat very well & with a good appetite she exclaimd Involuntary (forgeting as she afterward said yt I was there) “The Lord be praised for his mercies & be pleased to bless it for strengthening my poor weak frame – conversing with her she says “mama if I should see you in Heaven & myself cast out” this she said with tears – O may God speak peace to her soul thro’ Jesus Christ give her to rejoice & triumph in an assurance of her Interest in ye blessed Saviour this is what her pious soul ardently wishes to possess.  

   My Anna was very ill reaching & vomiting I broke out in ye ardour of affection &c expressing my earnest desire to have some more advice thinking something might be given to mitigate disorder & assist nature – she could not speak but held up her finger & as soon as she could articulate ye words said “be still” wn her reaching &c was over & she could speak said Why mama do you talk so? “Be still and know that I am God” is there not such words?  do you then act up to them you have had a variety of advice enough & “I shall have no more if it is ye will of God I shall yet get well if not all ye medical aid in ye country wd be useless” – speaking of Faith I fear I have not Faith or that its not of ye right kind if I was assured I had & that I should be happy after death I should be very happy now.

[Saturday] June 24th  This is ye anniversary day wn I was born it has been a solemn & affecting day to me to see my beloved child fast hastening to ye tomb O these distressing fits of languor greatly increase & occur more frequent O thou great Ruler of all events sweeten every suffering with a sense of ye love of Christ to her soul give her that assurance wch her soul desires make us useful to her in Life & in death & O God do thou sustain or support us all this seems a heavy trial indeed it will be a heart rendering stroke wn ever it comes.  Endeared as she is every day by some pious & affectionate Expression nothing beneath the Almighty power of God that afflicts can enable us to bear. She seemd this afternoon & Eveg very unreserved & conversed in a very affecting manner about her Death – the state of her mind &c &c said many things wch almost overcame us – desired her dear Father to pray with her & earnestly to pray that ye desire of Life might be taken from her & a desire to depart to be given her if it is ye divine will she should not be spared – She spake much of her own unworthiness & of ye power of God to save thro Jesus Christ I want said she to be emptied of self & full of Christ but alas how apt are we to trust to something in self I know better I know that my poor righteousness is but as filthy rags nothing as I can do or am can appear before ye Throne  I want to know that I have faith in Christ that Faith wch is alone ye Gift of God – How foolish are some people who hesitate at giving Glory to ye holy Spirit. Why it the Holy Spirit enlightens our minds applys ye promise of ye Gospel to our Hearts Instructs & Comforts us & shall we reject Him as God.  It is He also wch witnesses too with our spirits yt we are ye children of God.—Much the dear child said this Eveg wch I wish to but cant remember  she seemd at first low but afterward said she was very happy mentiond many appropriate verses expressing ye feelings of her Heart out of different Hymns – O said she I hope wn I die  It will please God to give me a gentle dismission from ye Body – & enable me to “Breathe my Life out sweetly there”  I then repeated part of that Hymn why should we start Ah says she that is a sweet Hymn.

Sabbath day [25 June]  she desired me to bring her a book that lay in ye window – but rather bring me ye Bible that is ye best Book mama still I think so she then read for a considerable time – afterward said Mama I have been reading & you hath he quickened &c I love to read about Free Grace –  I enjoyed this chapr I hope I experienced what I had read  I enjoyd it I can nearly repeat yt Chapr –  In ye Eveg said to her papa looking at him with inexpressible meaning in her looks O my dear Father I cant sing now (alluding to our custom of singing every Sabbath Eveg yt Hymn “This Earthly Sabbath Lord we love”) but I shall soon sing do you papa repeat yt Hymn Thou dear Redeemer dying Lamb we love to hear of Thee – her Fathers voice seemd to faulter being much affected which she observing said Papa I forgot your throat was bad Ill repeat ye next “When we appear in yonder Cloud with all ye Ransomed Throng Then will we sing more sweet more loud & Christ shall be our song” – conversed with Mary gave her advice concerning her future conduct in Life – recommended a strict Love of virtue exhorting her never to follow ye Example of some young girls who have lately acted bad her advice to ye girl was truly parental & far beyond what might be expected from one of her Age.—She possesses a strict love of Holiness from true Evangelical principles – blessed forever blessed by God for thus teaching my beloved child all that I have ever said or done without a divine blessing wd never have produced such glorious Effects  O my God though my parental feelings at ye thought of parting is inexpressibly keen my Heart torn with unutterable anguish yet I dare not murmur I dare not say what doest thou? since thou art pleased to manifest such surprizing Love & mercy in ye midst of our extreem agony O may I be still knowing nothing befalls us without ye divine permission. 

Monday [26 June]  my dear child was very bad she conversed with Mary & told her wn they were alone she thought she should have died yesterday she felt her hands & feet so cold spoke of ye awful situation she was in not knowing a day or even a minute but the summons might be sent to her told her of ye necessity of being ready for ye solemn Event reprobated ye folly of putting off a preparation for Death ’till Death came wn we did not know we should have time or power given to repent – Exhorted her seriously to consider of religion & be earnest whilst in Health for a preparation for Death.—Thus every opportunity she is alone she embraces it to give her favorite Sert Lessons of Instruction   Oeconomical prudent moral & religious so earnestly Solicitous to make a good sert & yt she may be a real Christian both for ye girls comfort & ours – Every action is truely endearing & admirable evidencing a great mind in an extreem weak & emaciated body wn she was getting into Bed very weak – Ah said she none of these pains in Heaven.

    Then O how pleasant ye conquerors song I trust I shall be a conqeror too thro Him who I hope hath loved me – Bread of Heaven feed me ’till I want no more – Like as a Father pitieth his children &c – his stripes are fewer than our Crimes & lighter than our guilt – O I am tried but I deserve much worse trials but I hope God will support & not try me beyond wt he will enable me to bear. Conversing very agreeably on ye solemnities of ye judgement day she repeated ye Hymn in ye selection beginning [line omitted in MS]

Tuesday [27 June]  she felt very unwell indeed lookd up with most affectionate expression said my dear mother I cant bear it long you must give me up – in ye Eveg spoke with gratitude that she had gone thro ye day better than she expected repeated thus. I have found those words verified as thy day is thy strength shall be I hope thro’ my long Illness I have Evidenced a degree of patience  I don’t speak this to praise my self no it was ye Gift of God & I ought in duty to confess it to his Honor & Glory otherwise were I quite silent I should rob God of that glory wch is due unto Him – for of myself I can do nothing – her papa returning fm ye garden said he had been busily employd in planting &c said he did sometimes plant & sow in tears shall reap in joy – speaking of her Aunt Whitaker whom she dearly loves with a fillial affection oh said she my dear Aunt is one of ye best women upon earth I love to hear her talk She speaks with that mildness & humility like the Blessed Jesus & she acts up to what she says – I cant bear to hear folks prate like parrots & think no more of it but I love to see their actions give weight to their words such as my dear & hond Aunts sentences allways sanctiond & enforced by wt she does I wish you mama to give the best of my playthings to my dear cousin Janes children if she marrys & haves any because I think she will Instruct them to take care of their things – this day she had much pain langour & uneasiness but in ye midst of all her gratitude to God like a constant Sun shone out & she repeated a pt of ye 103d Psalm expressive of her sense of ye goodness of God to her  –

Thursday [29 June]  her papa was speaking of some favorite Birds in ye garden wch had fixed their station there as if to amuse his solitary hours. Ah said she mama & you must have some of those little things to take off your attention & it will be but a little time & we shall meet again I hope in a better world to part no more this she spoke with a look of inexpressible tenderness. In ye Eveg she seemd very thankful for ye mercies of ye day spoke of ye goodness of God to her yn most grateful terms repeated yt Hymn wch she said she very much admired beginning “Now from ye Altar of our Hearts” &c after she was in bed she found her abcess was broke this was a fresh call for her to express her gratitude – Ah said she how good how kind is God to us better than all ye doctors all yt He does is well done He does it Infinite wisdom as well as mercy O may I never be mistrustful He has helped me hitherto & I hope He will be my support to ye End of Life who knows God can yet preserve me & cause this to be a means of recovery.  If I should be spared to live longer with you my dear Mama &c don’t know what God is about to do  he can confute all the doctors &c & raise me from ye borders of ye grave – He can cloath these poor bones afresh for Hearts of stone He turns to Flesh &c – Looking at her emaciated hands Ah said she “Corruption Earth & Dust shall but refine this flesh” wt strange flesh ours must be for such things to refine it – O how happy is it for us that there is a resurrection –  “I am the resurrection & ye Life” Jesus said.

Saturday Eveg [1 July]  the dear sufferer was very bad extremely weak & restless after going to bed very early found herself very unwell – repeated many appropriate lines – then said well tho’ my flesh & my Heart faileth I hope God is the strength of my heart &c O my dear mama I am tried greatly tried what shall I do? With Looks of Inexpressible tenderness she often looks on me with yt enquiry my dear mama what shall I do?—She remarkd that was a good petition that her papa put up for her that if God had determined in his Infinite wisdom to take her away that ye desire of Life may be taken away first I cant say but if it was ye will of God I would wish to live & I hope I should be truly thankful for spard Life & its no harm to desire life is it mama? Mr Willms said it was not that the blessed Jesus wept at ye grave of Lazerus & felt sorrow wn he left ye world & his disciples I hope I don’t commit sin in wishing (in submission to ye will of God) for life – O that I may come out of this affliction like Gold refind – this have been a blessed Affliction to me may it be sanctified &c &c – that is a blessed promise wn thou walkest thro ye fire &c  – I have been in deep waters of affliction – yet hitherto God has supported me & I hope will to ye end grant his grace may be sufficient for me – his strength made perfect in my weakness – speaking of something proper to be done to her gown she with much prudence made an exception to my proposal wch was for her present accommodation no mama I think it wd be best &c if I should live tho its very Improbable yet not Impossible it may be more useful in ye way I propose thus prudence shines conspicuous in all her little plans.

    Mentiond that Hymn & repeated pt of it as a favorite Hymn “Dear Refuge of our weary Soul” – speaking of her papa going to meeting in ye afternoon she said I wd rather papa staid at home I feel often so very bad that I don’t love papa & you shd be long absent or at a distance I don’t know how soon or how sudden I may be taken away & I wish to have you both with me – I hope God can make up ye loss of publick opportunitys & if it is ordinance day He can meditate on & be thankful for ye love of Christ at Home,  wn duty calls I hope its not sinful.

    Getting up scarcely able to get out of Bed she said I hope God will give me strength equal to my day – God is good – Ah my child he is good & we have found it so I wish I could bear your weakness & do something for you. O mama you have been a kind good mother to me as any in ye world could be don’t you speak against yourself any more it grieves & pains me for you have done all that could be done – I wished her to put on her bracelets as her sleeves hung so very big I thought those wd confine ym but alas wn she put ym on they hung so large on her arms owing to her being fell away so much yt they did not answer ye purpose of keeping her long sleeves up. She took ym off & said take ym away my putting such baubles on is like a person dancing on ye brink of death I don’t want any ornaments of yt sort it is enough to put on things yt are necessary – O my dear mama what  a comfort it is to us that papa stays within so much as he does & is so willing to afford us all ye assistance that lies in his power in little as well as great things – how distressed oftentimes shd we be was he not to pay so much attention how different he is from many men who has not this tender feelings –  A twelvemonth tomorrow mama O the goodness of our God though He has afflicted he have supported – we ought to have a thanksgiving day tomorrow what a mercy it is – how thankful should I be I wish to be but I fear I am not so much as I ought – this was a very affecting season to us – she conversed much with her beloved Father lookd out some excellent Hymns desired him to read ym to her express an earnest desire for assurance did I possess a well grounded assurance sd she I think then I could willingly leave this world – pray for a greater Faith repeated yt verse “Amidst ye glories of that world Dear Saviour think on me  And in ye victories of thy Death let me a sharer be” with peculiar emphasis – O may her ardent prayers be answerd & full Triumphant assurance be granted.

Monday [3 July]  on my informing her of ye Death of Mrs Wilton an amiable agreeable woman my dear Anna wept & said the Goodness of God to me in sparing me thro such a long series of affliction & so many have been taken since I have been ill – she repeated those lines “who next from this dungeon shall fly my merciful Lord is it I?”  much more she said realizing her own death & imploring preparation for it. 

Tuesday [4 July]  better in ye morng in ye afternoon very bad “O Affliction indeed abounds may consolations also abound” – I wish to go to bed I feel very ill indeed pray let me go to bed for I wish to die on my bed not up. She was carried up immediately was very bad afterward repeated part of Rock of Ages Shelter me &c with a faultering voice being extremely weak repeated Hide me O my Saviour hide me till ye storm of Life be past safe into ye haven guide me O receive my soul at last.—She then revived a little & conversed very freely about her experience before she was ill concerning ye temptation of Satan wn she went to prayer not to pray &c but she resolved not to give way to his suggestion being encouraged by those words “those that seek shall find” saw she thought she wd not give up prayer for yt wd be giving up all but no one knows how much I was tempted by Satan & yt made me be upstairs so long as I had enough to do to contend with my adversary.–&c &c

Wednesday [5 July]  Blessed be God the dear Child has had a better day to day not such violent restless fitts of extreem languor & weakness – being disappointed by a friend of something that was promised her & of wch she was very fond & consequently set her mind on it she said if Mrs W–  says anything to me about it I will be faithful to her & speak my mind I’ll tell her I was very much disappointed & that I thought it very wrong thus to slight a poor afflicted creature as I was – Afterward she was more composed & said well I hope I have a Friend that will never forget me nor forsake me O Lord be thou my support.—Thursday in ye afternoon very bad she lookd on me with inexpressible tenderness & said O my dear mama I never never shall anymore wt said I my dear do you mean? why I believe I shall never any more enjoy Health but if it pleases God to grant me his presence I hope I shall not repine  how many happy hours have I enjoyd in this place (sitting down below ye fire) never more to return – wn going to bed she lookd up with a praying attitude & with anquish of soul repeated “still O Lord support & comfort me” then claspd me round ye neck O my dear mother my trials of body are great what shall I do?—she was this day much hurt I thought of yesterdays omission –  My heart trembles at ye approach of the dreaded hour wn her spirit must quit its frail abode & view her every day hastening to it. O God prepare us all for it thou alone canst support & console our minds O be all unto us wch we stand in need of.

Friday [7 July]  Last night my dear child was very bad indeed could not lay down to compose herself to sleep till near 2 oclock in ye morng I watchd her with very painful emotions of mind ’till between 2 & three  O may it please God to support & strengthen us to perform every duty never may I neglect my beloved child nor be shockd by waking & finding her dead  wch I often fear I don’t go to sleep scarce ever till my exhausted nature can wake no longer. My dear Anna blessed be God has had a better day to day conversed very pleasing in ye afternoon about her affliction said how desireable Health were & yt she was young & had ye feelings of youth – therefore she had much to give up &c but said she if affliction is best for my soul I ought not I wd not repine if my noblest part is benefited I wish to submit to be resignd to ye will of God who is infinitely wise & does all things well – in ye Eveg feeling great langour said O my precious mother I am indeed greatly tried but still expressd her hope in Gods supporting goodness – looking at her feet much swollen wch this ye work of God who know wt is best for me O my dear Mother you must give me up – tis but a little time & I hope we shall meet again in a better place call up my precious Father I love for him to be here – on getting into bed feeling great weakness she repeated again those lines “Hide me O my Saviour hide me ’till ye storms of Life be past safe into the Haven guide me O receive my soul at last” the last line she repeated with peculiar emphasis – After she was in bed I left her for a little time to be in my room she then conversed with Mary as was her usual custom wn opportunity offerd on my return to her & ye maids being gone she said I hope mama that Mary is a thoughtful girl I told her about her soul as words from her might have great weight with her. She said she did to ye best of her knowledge but she was not capable of doing it so well as she could wish.—Speaking one day of her dissolution & my saying I knew not how I could survive O mama said she you must not be unbelieving God will support you that God who have supported you papa & me for this past twelve month thro’ such trying scenes will support you still & enable you to bear all that He has ordered for you – “Though he slay me yet will I trust in Him” O mama that I could adopt that language speaking of her cough wch is violent at times & frequent she said she was surprized it did not hurt her stomach more as it had been of such long continuance but said she it is God sheaths my stomach O God is good she conversed much very agreeably.

Sabbath day [9 July]  was very weak & bad but in ye Eveg sat up to supper & desired her papa to go to prayer before she went to bed sound out ye first Chapr of Cols for me to read previous to her fathers engaging in prayer said she thought that chapr confuted ye Socinians the morng read several Hymns to her wch she much admired some out of Watts Lyric Hymns that were favorites of & repeated to me – my dear & hond parent in ye Eveg after she was in bed she said how many precious promises there is to encourage hope & prevent dispair mentiond that whosoever calls on ye Lord shall be saved I know I have calld on ye Lord but ye difficulty is with me I fear I did not call aright but I desired to do it. She conversed with Mary on ye sin of parents not bringing up their children in ye fear of God especially in omitting to make ym pay a proper regard to ye Sabbath hearing ym very noisy in ye street she lamented it very much especially for those who were professors of Religion. Its more like Heathens than like Christians.

Monday morning [10 July]  my dear child seemd better eat her breakfast with a relish rose 2 hours sooner than usual but afterward was very bad indeed she lookd upon us with inexpressible tenderness & affection the tears flowing down her cheeks & said O my dear Father & mother I love you too well & that makes me so unwilling to leave ye world.—O I am very bad I hope God will support me Hither to the Lord has helped us – speaking of another abcess yt was forming she at first seemd cast down but after a little recollection well says she God has supported me thro past troubles & I hope he will thro this. Speaking of the omniscience of God she said that thought had afforded her great pleasure or otherwise she should be afraid of deceiving God but now she could appeal to Him & say “searcher of Hearts O search me still the secrets of my soul reveal” &c that rejoice my heart & I hope that is a good sign of sincerity is it not.—wn her father was going to prayer “pray for me papa that I may be perfectly resignd to ye Holy will of God” –  Ah I love you both too well – I want to love you less & my God more &c  One pt of the day she said O I dont expect now ever to get well It wd be a miracle if I was to recover & I don’t expect God wd work such a miracle for me.

Tuesday morng [11 July]  my beloved Child was very bad could not get up ’till 3 oclock bad again in ye Eveg – in ye afternoon conversed very agreeably about ye abcess wch she thought was forming Ah said if God supports me I can bear that or any thing else He has supported me hitherto & I trust He will He is good supreemly good! &c To her father she said I want to have my whole soul swallowed up in ye will of God for His will is infinitely wise & good I wish not to cleave so to earth nor Earthly things but to have a full assurance of my Interest in Christ.  I know I have nothing to trust too in myself yet I feel such a proneness to trust in something in self sometimes I feel emptied of self & full of Christ then how happy I am but alas how soon again does self prevail I know its wrong I know its vain & foolish I lament it yet cant avoid it. – That is a good hymn mama very encouraging Hark tis our heavenly leaders voice then repeated part of it do you read it mama.

Wednesday morng [12 July]  very weak refused her Broth – feeling herself very weak wn she sat up in Bed she said I am very bad but God is able to raise me up from ye gates of death Yes He is able to raise me up or to carry me safely & comfortable through it yes He is able & all sufficient.—Speaking of her dear Aunt Heads low state [of] affliction &c O said she why does my Aunt yt is such a good woman talk so? how wrong is it not to commit all our concerns into ye Hands & trust of that God who sustains the whole world. In ye eveg she repeated part of yt Hymn “plunged in a Gulph &c wn she came to yt verse “He spoild the powers of darkness thus & in vain the baffled prince of Hell &c with wt exultation did she repeat it rejoicing & animadverting on ye glorious Resurrection of Christ &c its blessed consequences – speaking of her proneness to depend on something of self she lamented it & spoke of ye folly of so doing – repeated these words cursed is every one yt continueth & then said she how vain & foolish is it to think we can in whole or in part do any thing to merit salvation & know better but yet satan tempts me sometimes to think I can do part & will trust to Christ to do ye rest I know this is wrong my judgment & my Bible tells me so & yet I feel this sad propensity wch I wish to have intirely rooted out of my Heart & to have Christ found alone in my heart ye Hope of Glory –   O Mama  How pure Heaven is! I fear I shall not be fit for it &c.

Thursday [13 July] was rather better talkd very agreeable to her papa on serious subjects –  “Then (said she to me) burst ye Chains with sweet surprize Ah sown in corruption raised in Incorruption sown in dishonour I shall indeed O may I  I hope I shall be raised in Glory – My dear mother you are my right hand next to God you are my greatest Help I cant do without you – Therefore I hope you wont leave me to go to any one they must excuse it.  I have had those words mercifully impressed on my mind 2 or 3 days past “He is able” I dont know wt it means but I know He is able to raise me up again but wither it is that or not I cant tell He is able I now to do all things – She desired me to read yt Hymn to her plunged in a Gulph – &c she seems for some days past to be meditating much on ye resurrection from words yt involuntary escapes her – She talks but little herself nor can she bear much talking from others – speaking of her feelings in religious exercises she said she had frequently enjoyd so much that she could scarcely bear it – but she checked herself by fearing this happy enjoyment might be produced by animal passion only – but she hoped it was not – sometimes she felt a backwardness to duty even prayer a burthen proved then she was ready to think it wd not be thus with her if she indeed was a child of God – but with all Satans suggestions & temptations he did not make her leave off praying to God.

Friday [14 July]  the dear sufferer seemed very much oppressd with phlegm & very unwell her Breath very bad last night till one or 2 oclock  I sat up with her till near one lay down a little time then rose again she being very ill in her Breath & Bowels –  her legs being bad especially one of ym very painful she lookd upon me & in most plaintive accents said My legs will be better wn they have lain – I hope they will!  I knew what she meant by her manner – she often now has an allusion to Death wn her tendency for me wont permit her to speak all she has in her thoughts – was very bad in ye Eveg repeated part of several Hymns “Ah I shall soon be dying – Time swiftly glides away But on my Lord relying – The day wn I must enter upon a world unknown my helpless soul I venture on Jesus Christ alone  Deep are ye wounds, that sin has made – That awful day will surely come – Ah I have realized that solemn day before my illness wn I should stand before my judge & thought how dreadful it wd be if I was to hear ye solemn sound depart – Jesus I throw my arms around & hang upon thy Breast, then talkd of her past experience & temptations &c – speaking of some dresses  Ah take care of ym they will be useful to mama after I am gone seeing us affected she said “Tis but ye voice that Jesus sends to call (I hope) call me to his arms” – asking her how she did I hope a little better God is good.  O how God supports me one day after another asking her where her papa shd pray in her room O yes said she my Body is weak but my spirit is willing – come papa go to prayer here never mind ye heat (It being very warm weather) looking over some of her things one day to find a pair of long sleeves for her she saw her shirts. Ah she said I have many very pretty shirts mama you must take of ye frills of ym & make cap strips for yourself  remember that It is my desire for you to wear them.”   

Saturday July 15 last Eveg her breath was short but I think not quite so bad as ye preceeding Eveg but she sufferd great pain in her leg wn movd wch is swolen speaking of her singing Ah my voice is now taken away from me perhaps I might have been proud of it so many asking me to sing – but I hope I shall sing in a better world as well as any of ym – after she rode out for ye air a little way she was very much fatigued & sunk into her chair & whisperingly said O that I knew that when this earthly house of my Tabernacle shall be dissolved I shall have a building of God not made with hands talkd to her papa on very interesting subjects wn I came in I saw she was much affected.—in ye Eveg talking of some thoughtless people I askd her wch she wd chuse &c in answer to my question she said O mama I wd rather suffer affliction with ye people of God than to enjoy ye pleasure of sin for a season – speaking of her affliction &c O how good God is to me how my leg is so bad not suffering ye 3d abcess to be painful as ye former ones were God is very merciful & then repeated a part of ye 103d psalm  tho I am tried greatly tried yet I am supported. – If it was ye will of God to spare my life I could (I think) contentedly be a cripple – Ah mama I am as desirous of Life as you can be for me – Speaking of having another physician dont ye talk of physicians let us Look to God He is ye best & only able physician all others are no value.

[Sunday] July 16 Blessed be God we are spared to see another Sabbath O grant us thy presence & blessing in ye chamber of affliction. Glory be to God that Him whom we desire to serve is an Omniscient & omnipresent being thou art not confind to ye crowded assemblies but deigns to dwell also with the humble suppliant tho in ever so solitary & obscure situation even with those who are humble & contrite & that trembleth at thy word such we desire O Lord to be. O sanctify this Affliction grant us thy presence & blessing support our sinking frames & give us to know assuredly that in Heaven we have more enduring substance – that when we are absent from ye body we shall be present with ye Lord – may we experience a daily growing meetness for that blest abode that when flesh & heart shall fail we may triumph in Thee our God as the strength of our heart & our portion forever – my dear Anna read some in Herveys Meditations she read some in Serles Christian remembrances particularly a chap. on sickness & another on Death wch she much admired read aloud a sentence concerning death viz  All yt Death then can do to me is to tell me I am of age & to lead me forth from these Chambers of darkness to celebrate my Birthday in the palace of Glory.—If I am so happy as to go to heaven perhaps I shall soon be with my Grandmama & if she knows me mama I dare say she will love me. Aunt do you think we shall know one another in Heaven mama thinks we shall – after she was in bed Thanks be unto God for permitting me once more to come to bed alive & I am sometimes ready to think I shall be brot up – not alive with a look of tenderness on taking her leave of her papa for ye night she said act up to those kisses be kind & affectionate one to another – “Love one another that is our saviours words”  Wn vomiting in ye midst of it she lookd up with a smile full of patience resignation & submission on my noticing it she answerd we must not frown no – speaking of her Birthday she said my next Birth[day] (meaning after ye present) I hope I shall spend in Heaven or in a state of Health & have grace to improve it.—“I wish to be resignd to ye will of God tho’ I am not so much so as I could wish” –

[Monday] July ye 17th –  “O the Goodness of God in sparing me thro’ ye past year & permiting me to see the beginning of another year – lookd out a Hymn in ye Selection of Fawcetts beginning “I my Ebenezer raise” wch she desired her papa to read thro’ aloud the language of this Hymn seemd just appropriated to her disposition of mind – after it was read she smiled & said I believe I shall never ask any one to read ye next Hymn for me but was I to live to want it I wd never be connected with a man yt could not sing Hymns in a proper manner & I wd have that hymn sung – speaking of professing Christ before our fellow Creatures – she wept & seemd much agitated wn she said Ah I never professd Christ in publick – I fear I was ashamed to do it – O how have I felt that Hymn wn attending at ye ordinance of Baptism I have been so much affected with it yt I cant express it “Ashamed of Jesus that dear Name” &c I have thought I could have gladly gone in with ye candidates been baptized too. O there is something very solemn & delightful in ye ordinance of Baptism so significant & Scriptural – how can ye Independents &c suppose there is any meaning in their way – being buried with Christ what just representation of his death burial & resurrection – & their coming up out of ye water with ye grave cloaths what a solemn appearance it has – how much it has struck me I wish papa you wd ever oppose that false delicacy of covering them up as soon or before they are hardly out of ye water it has such an Effect on me that I think it is very weak to try to take off any thing from what is so justly represented. – Speaking of her extreem pain sickness langour &c Ah said she I wd not murmur I am very bad but his stripes are fewer than my crimes & lighter than my guilt &c – speaking of her dissolution she said I believe I shall never see another Birthday – If it was ye will of God I should gladly live with you my dear parents its no thing for me to give up life tho’ I am not blessed with great affluence yet I have every thing to make me small happy & comfortable that this world can produce fond indulgent parents constantly trying to do all in their power to render Life desireable. Ah it is a great thing to give up all but I wish to be resignd – God is able I hope I shall never mistrust his power He who have spared me thro ye past year in such affliction He is able to raise me up again I doubt not his power but I believe it is not His will. How merciful it is in God so to order it yt all my calamities don’t come together wn my leg is so bad I am not violently sick &c ye goodness of God must not be forgotten.  My dear Child conversed much very agreeable in ye Evening expressed an earnest desire for Life  O that God would spare me said she if it is His blessed will – If  he would speak ye healing word I should be healed – I was blest with assurance yt I shd be happy I think I shd be willing to die but I fear all is not right with me – O for a strong & lasting Faith to credit what ye Almighty saith to embrace ye message of  his son  “And call the joy of Heaven my own.”  She repeated part of many Hymns expressive of her own feelings particularly that of Theodosias Dear Refuge of my weary soul enlarging on some of ye verses read that in ye Selection with a faultering voice her breath being so short –  “My gracious Redeemer I love &c – she was speaking of ye Errors of ye Antinomians said she thought that one text was enough to confute their notions “shall we sin that grace may abound God forbid &c”  Wn I was gone into my room she conversed very agreeably with Mary exhorting her to attend to her duty particularly intreated her to be thoughtful & not so forgetful you must consider Mary yt mama have a great deal to engage her attention about me & you should endeavor to remember wt you have to do & take off all ye care you can from mama – &c

   My dear mama she said to me O that we may be resigned & submissive to ye will of God & unite together in Eternity in praising God – pray for me that I may be resignd & blest with stronger Faith if I am to die yt the desire of life may be taken from me – I am not like those who wish to go to heaven to be freed from pain & sickness no because I wish to live – but if I was blest with an assurance I could rejoice to go –  “Jesus I throw my arms around & hang upon thy breast without one gracious smile from thee my spirit cannot rest.”

Wednesday [19 July]  seemd very weak & poorly this morng hd of ye Death of Mrs Flint Ah said she It will be I believe but a few days more that I shall be alive. O mama you shd leave me sometimes & endeavor to forget me. I want you to anticipate my death & endeavor to familiarize it to yourself &c much she said more expressive of a desire to live if it was ye will of God or to be made willing to leave ye world & to be blest with an Assurance of her Interest in Christ – speaking in ye afternoon again of her Death she said to me again she would have me view her dying as a going a journey &c & mama if you have reason to Hope I am gone to Heaven you must console yourself with ye thought & say my Child is now happy she is taken from ye evil to come – but said she there is a dark passage between this life & Heaven but its said for our encouragement “tho I walk through &c I hope God will support me. Speaking of peoples going on in a thoughtless way &c she said “strange indeed it is yt that creatures whom God hath made & who are dependant on Him for every breath they draw should go on in a state of Rebelion against Him – I often think since my Breath has been so short with peculiar solemnity how dependant I am on God for every Breath I draw.”

Thursday [20 July] – pray for me that I may have a gentler easy passage O that wn I die I may shut my eyes to all sorrow & open ym in Eternal Happiness then repeated some lines out of Lucinda It matters not &c – O my dear mother I am very bad my sufferings are great – it is very trying to humane nature but I wd not murmur I wd not repine It might be worse I deserve much worse.

Friday 21st of July  my dear child expressd a fear that she shd not be happy if she was but assurd of her Interest in Christ said she shd not be afraid to die – O said she I could breath out my Life in desiring to live – expressd her fear that her faith was not of ye right kind that she did not depend on Christ as a whole Saviour but brot something of her own afraid that she was a pharasee tho her judgment & experience told her she had nothing of her own yet that spirit of self righteousness she was afraid still existed. “I want to come to Christ intirely emptied of self & to rely wholly on Him alone I want to know I do O I will go to Jesus Tho’ my sins like mountains rise?”  with earnestness she cried out I will go to Jesus in the strength of divine grace I can do nothing myself.

Saturday  [22 July]  was very weak & languid – O mama I shall soon die O may I die quiet & easy in ye arms of Jesus then if in his arms I shall die easy & no where else – O for patience O for support patience tis a precious grace repeated pt of that Hymn “Dear Lord tho bitter is ye cup” then repeated this God is ye God went on talking about her dying said “why should we mourn departed Friends ’tis but ye voice yt Jesus sends to call us to his arms” – the dear child repeated Lucinda (some verses she learnt wn at school)  Applying it as she went along to herself it was truly affecting to hear her with faultering Breath & trembling accents repeat it when she was in bed O said she it’s a mercy I am got into bed alive it wd be distressing to be taken wn half up I hope to lie down quiet – I often think of that picture in pilgrims progress I seem just like poor Christian with his Head just above water  Ah mama my Breath is bad I can talk but very little nor bear to hear but little my poor little Frame will very soon be consumed – I shall be crushd like ye moth – Ah my precious mother you will wear yourself out for me what shall I do? O what should I do was it not for your kindness. – &c &c –

Sabbath Day [23 July] – she was in ye morng very drowsy but rose sooner yn yesterday & sat up longer but not without much pain & weariness  could bear but little talking or reading  desired me to read yt pt of ye pilgrims progress to her where ye pilgrims came to ye River (meaning Death) –  wn I read it  I could discover it gave her satisfaction tho she said but very little – several of ye fears wch Christian mentiond she have had & mentiond ym to me as those yt perplexd & distressd her not knowing they were in ye pilgrims progress – For her father was commending her patience & rejoicing yt we never had a murmuring word from her Ah said she “Hark pray don’t you talk in yt manner you dont know what a wicked murmuring heart I have – I don’t wish to let it out to my fellow creatures  It is too bad for God to know.”  

Monday [24 July]  my dear Child was very bad having a 3d abcess rising with all her other complaints such extreem weakness & languor makes it a most affecting scene may God support us all & prepare us for all that Infinite wisdom have prepared for us – I was speaking of ye smallness of ye room with regret fearing her breath was worse for being so confind O mama said she don’t let us murmur let us think of our mercies some are confind perhaps two or 3 together in a fever in less & lower room than this is let us not look at ye lofty larger Rooms but at ye less & more confind that is ye way for us to be thankful she was too weak to talk desired me to repeat  Hymn of Dr Doddridges wch I used to sing beginning “God of my Life” &c  she admired ye Grandeur & sublimity of yt hymn.

Tuesday [25 July]  my dear child was very bad – so ill yt she could not be even taken but often she lay for a considerable time & could not bear any talking she desired me to keep everything quiet “let me die quiet” was her request – she told me she was very [sentence not completed in MS]      She thought Death was not far distant & that I could triumphantly say O death where is thy sting O Grave where is thy victory?—After she had lain for some hours she revived a little & talked to us again – O said she that my God wd be pleased to spare my Life yet enable me to live to glorify & honor my blessed Saviour I have done nothing for him yet –  & I askd her what I could do for her she said nothing but pray for me conversed much very agreeably I told her I wish’d very much for her to talk with cousin Philip or some Friends who she wd not think were swayd by partiality as she thought we was she said was I to talk to all the world they could not make me to be what I want to be they cannot look into my Heart – I wish to be satisfied with nothing less then what will stand me in stead wn I appear before God at the judgment day – my knowledge is little but the Baptist cathechism I hope have been very useful to me in informing my mind in many scriptural truths.—Said she should like to hear Stormy Banks & There is a Land of pure delight[xcvii] sung by some good singers that wd to ye best of their power do justice to those words.  She conversed very pleasingly on coming to Christ expressd her wish to be assured yt she came to him aright – talkd of her funeral sermon & ye Hymns & gave me particular injunctions to remember that it was to be Mr Page yt was to preach from those texts wch she mentioned.

Wednesday [26 July]  my dr child had a better night then I feard. I sat up with her till after two oclock is (blessed be God) better this morng – on hearing it Thunder very loud & long she held up her hand with great solemnity & awe in her countenance & said “That God that causes the Thunder now to roll around us has afflicted me & that God too supports me I used to be much afraid of Thunder but I am not now I am glad of it I hope that is right. In ye Eveg her Breath was again very bad she said O I must die soon O blessed God still support & comfort me. She had been conversing with her cousin Jane in ye afternoon she told me her cousin in ye course of their conversation said She used to fear Christ was not willing to save her she did not doubt of his power but of his will my dear Anna said I wonder any should doubt of that is it not said those that come unto me I will in no wise cast out & come unto me all ye yt are weary &c & I will give ym rest & did not the blessed Saviour come upon our Earth suffer bleed & die for ye salvation of sinners how can we doubt of that what I fear is yt I dont come aright to him O what a kind a loving Saviour to die for sinners.  O for this Love let rocks & hills &c wn I used to be a spectator at ye ordinance of ye Lords supper I remember a verse.

    I asked her if she did not use to enjoy much pleasure & why did she always chuse to stay – she answered me sometimes I did & sometimes my Heart was very hardened & unaffected – speaking of her dear Fathers tenderness & kindness in her affliction Ah said she dear Father He is very kind I have thought Mama if my Life had been spared & I was ever to marry I should like such a husband as my Father is in many respects – but Ah I shall never live to that time. – Wn her Father went to prayer in ye Eveg she said I am too bad to attend to prayer in my room – but pray for me & with a raised voice & earnestness she spoke to her father as he was going out of her Room – pray for me & pray that God would never leave me nor forsake me – God is Good! 

Thursday [27 July]  my beloved child was very weak last Eveg ye abcess broke.  Instead of its being any relief to her constitution it seems I fear to weaken her she said to day Ah I shall soon be gone – O that I may be made willing to depart & know that I am Interested in Christ talkd much very affectiony to her Father leaving him a charge talkd much of her dying to me said I hope mama wn I die you will mourn sometimes for me not in ye fashionable way lookd that Hymn & desired me to read it to her O for an overcoming Faith repeated that verse when ye hear my Heart strings break how sweet my minutes Roll a mortal paleness on my cheek but Glory in my soul – O said she that it may be so with me & she desired this Hymn might be sung in ye eveg wn that sermon was to be preached to us – After the supper cloth was laying for her to partake of – she said to Mary Ah I shall soon be dying O that I may be prepared wnever the summons comes – speaking of affliction having its use &c & being productive of future good not that we merit by affliction no said she “merit indeed strange if we could merit by that wch is ye Effects of Sin” speaking of her dying she observed me weep why mama do you weep don’t you be so low I wish you would guard against it – My dear child said I  how can I help it? It would be a double affliction to me if you was to die & not be willing wn it’s the ardent desire of my soul in submission to ye will of God. O said she God can take away that desire of life before I die &c I trust he will & give me a well grounded Hope of Eternal Blessedness.

Friday 28 last night my dear childs Breath was so bad that I was not disposed to sleep she consented for Mary to stay with her for a little time desiring me to repose myself as her breath seemd better & she was inclind to sleep. I lay down by her without taking my Cloaths off whilst Mary sat up with her for about an hour she then took some refreshment after I had performed necessary services for her she said mama my hip pains me I wish you wd be so kind as to rub it for me if it wont tire you too much & you are not ready to get into bed & then I hope to go to sleep again as I am very sleepy. I went & knelt down by her bedside & rubd her till about three in ye morng she seemd to sleep sweetly for near 2 hours – between three & four I took off my Cloaths & got into bed but did not seem disposed to sleep because my dear Anna perspired a good deal & she was laid on that wch she don’t use to go to sleep on.  I wishd her to turn to ye other side said she intended too soon but begd me not to disturb her as she was so very sleepy.—I felt uneasy but I thought as she had been sick early in ye night & throwd up more phlegm then she had at a time for many days that might suffice without her turning on ye other side wch always made her spit & more sick so according to her desire I did not again repeat my wish to her but staid awake till was light enough for me to extinguish ye Light yt was burning – I then lay down & as she seemd to sleep comfortable I composd myself to rest but a little after four I awoke again found her still on ye same side & in a persperation. I then said my dear child you are still lying on ye same side & you are in too great a persperation do you move a little & yt will make you cooler & more comfortable she said her persperation was not so violent if she moved about it wd make her cold & Ah mama you don’t know how it is I dread that sickness & if I move it will perhaps come and I am so sleepy – I intend moving by & by presently after her papa spoke & askd us if we did not hear a loud noise we said no – she said don’t ye talk papa for I am very sleepy after laying quiet a few minutes more the dear Child cried out in an unusual way as if with sudden pain or hurt – I askd what was ye matter but she did not speak which made me think she was seized with sudden shortness of breath. Her papa came in immediately into her room on hearing her alarming cry & soon after I found there was reason to be assurd that Death was fast approaching.  I soon had my cloaths on she desired me with all ye self possession & composure of an old person to give her ye Hartshorn I did  – she seemd rather more revived & better able to speak – I then begd her to let me put her pillows better for her to lay higher in her Head & being rose a little she wd not consent to be moved afterward she lookd on me with a peculiar solemnity but not affrighted said I am going to die O that we may meet in Eternal bliss above. I askd her if we should send for Dr Seagrim?  She said No & in ye attitude of solemn prayer lifted up her Eyes & fix’d them as directing her views to the great physician who was alone able to assist her in those trying moments – she lay thus silent for sometime wn we thought it proper I askd her if we should not send for some of her Friends. She said No give my Love to all of them & tell them not to be too fond of the world but fear God & live to his Glory – then laying silent for some time much as usual her surrounding Friends repeated several texts & pts of Hymns wch used to be favorites with her at different Intervals – she seemd entering ye dark valley & fully conscious of it said “I am afraid Lord Jesus receive my Spirit”—throwing her arms around she repeated that verse with faultering praying breath Jesus I throw my Arms around & Hang upon thy breast without one gracious smile from Thee my Spirit cannot rest.—After a pause she lookd upon me with that kind of Expression in her countenance wch assured me she had reference to our conversation ye preceeding Eveg – & said “I am willing to go mama” after that “I long to go” –  “Hasten” –  “Come – said I come Lord Jesus come quickly is yt what you would say she said “Yes”  her dear relatives came to take their last leave of them. To her Aunt she held out her dear hand bath’d in the clammy sweat of Death & said my dear Aunt Good by “I thank you for all your kindness” –  “I am going to dear cousin Mary to Grandmama & what is best of all to Jesus.” To Mary shaking her by ye Hand she said “Mary good bye be a good girl  Remember your Creator in the days of your Youth – seek the Lord whilst he may be found call upon Him whilst he is near (with a raisd voice & additional earnestness) seek Him seek Him & He will [be] found of you –  be attentive to your Mastr & Mistress  – to her cousin Jane she said My dear cousin good bye I hope we shall meet in Heaven don’t you follow the fashions of this world too much. Remember my dear you have professd yourself to be on the Lords side O don’t be too gay you know the blessed Jesus when he was upon Earth was not conformd to the vain customs of ye world? dont be angry cousin said no my dear I take it very kind that you thus exhort me may I follow your advice & follow Jesus. To Mrs W[hitaker] she said clasping her hand my dear cousin you wont be angry with me Mrs W said I should think not don’t said she be angry its ye request of your dying cousin don’t you follow the customs & fashions of this world too much you know our blessed Saviour did not – I askd her if she had anything else to say to me about orders she wd have executed begd if she had anything on her mind she wd speak freely – she answered you will give Mary mourning & after her mourning give her one or 2 of my gowns you wd like to keep some yourself for quilts & leave that to you you know what to do & will do for the best – She then lay as tho’ recollecting all she had to say – & said give my kind love to poor cousin Thomas – I askd her if she wishd to see anyone in particular She said No those that will may come to see me – Give my Love to Betty & tell her I freely forgive her & wish her well – she looked upon us & said my dear parents I am much obliged for all your goodness to me pardon all my faults – after a pause – Think of my Happiness & be happy yourselves ’till you come to me. With the greatest composure & self possession she repeated what I have recited & was perfectly collected & in ye full use of all her rational Faculties to the last Breath. During some of the time of her speaking to us she fetchd her breath quite hard & with difficulty moaning in dying groans & said I cant die but for a considerable time before she breathed very soft & sweet & with her usual gestures wn she lay down comfortably to sleep composed herself to rest & with looking at me with a placid smile even in death closed her Eyes upon all earthly objects to sleep in Jesus & be blest – how soft her slumbers were from sufferings & from sin released & freed from every snare without a sigh her gentle spirit quitted its Clay & she breathed softer & softer till she ceased to breathe & that solemn last last silence succeeded. –

Text: Reeves Collection, Box 19/1, Bodleian Library, Oxford; also Whelan, Nonconformist Women Writers, vol. 8, pp. 266-302, where complete notes on all the hymns and biblical references in the journal can be found. The account of Annajane's death by Jane Attwater Blatch consists of 29 folio pages stitched together that at some point were separated from the main body of her diary now residing among the Attwater Papers in the Angus Library, Regent's Park College, Oxford. Annajane's final illness lasted some eight months, during which time her mother recorded very little in her primary diary book, maintaining a separate diary from April through July 1809. This diary is focused on Anna, not her mother or sermons her mother would usually comment upon in her diary (she does not appear to attend services but remains at home with her daughter).  Annajane cites hymns frequently in this account of her last days; her primary source is John Rippon’s A Selection of Hymns from the Best Authors (London, 1787), by far the most popular hymnal among Baptists after 1790, going through more than forty editions by the 1840s. Joseph Blatch writes about the effects of the ordeal upon JAB in early summer 1809:  "Mrs B is almost worn out with grief and fatigue, as the whole of her time by day and night for the last eight months have been taken up by her attentions to our dear Anna, who is now reducd to a mere skeleton so that every little bustle is too much for her – her pulse generally in the evenings beats so high as 130 in a minute, I should be very sorry to disturb her, and our physician particularly wishes us to keep her as quiet as possible" (Reeves Collection, Box 19/2/(j.), Bodleian Library, Oxford).   

[1] Watts’s hymns noted in Blatch's separate journal devoted to Annajane's last months are the following (some are mentioned more than once): “No more, my God, I boast no more,” Book I, no. 109; “Let others boast their ancient Line,” in Hymns, Book II, no. 19; “And must this Body die?” in Hymns, Book II, no. 110; “Why should we start, and fear to die,” in Hymns, Book II, no. 31; “Why do we mourn departing friends,” in Hymns, Book II, no. 3; “How sweet and awful is the place,” in Hymns, Book III, no. 13; “Hosanna with a chearful Sound,” in Hymns, Book II, no. 8; “With Joy we meditate the Grace,” in Hymns, Book I, no. 125; “There is a Land of pure Delight,” in Hymns, Book II, no. 66; “Plung”d in a Gulf of Dark Despair,” in Hymns, Book II, no. 79; Psalm 17, Part 2, in Watts, Psalms; “Praise, everlasting praise be paid,” in Hymns, Book II, no. 60; “That awful Day will surely come,” in Hymns, Book II, no. 107; “O for an overcoming Faith,” in Hymns, Book I, n0. 71.  

[2] Steele’s hymns noted in Blatch's separate journal are the following (some are mentioned more than once): “When blooming youth is snatched away,” vol. 1, hymn 57; “When death appears before my sight,” vol. 1, hymn 85; “Jesus, the spring of joys divine”, vol. 1, hymn 23; “When sin, and sorrow, fear and pain,” and “Awake, my soul, and nor slumbering lie,” vol. 1, hymns 83 and 84; “Dear refuge of my weary soul,” vol. 1, hymn 80.